I’m not feeling like myself for the past couple of days. I feel demotivated and I would very much just like to be on vacation for the rest of the year. I don’t know where or how it actually started and I’m hoping by writing down my thoughts I could get a sense of it all. Bear with me as I tell you about my week.
My week started with a leadership training. The whole training was very interesting. It talked about the Gallup Strengths and how we, as leaders, should use it to lead, guide, and motivate others. The speaker also talked about how leaders should take care of themselves since a happy leader will also be an effective leader. It was a very fun and insightful day. I was a little hesitant going to the training because I didn’t know anyone there but like I said in a previous post, I will say yes to as many extroverted activities I can now that I am a lead.
My first official office day since January. I was very excited, lol, to be at the office. You know that feeling when you’ve been away for so long that you can’t help but miss the energy? Yep, that was what my Tuesday was like. Work wise, it was pretty uneventful.
My whole day was pretty okay until around 2 PM when my manager called me and said that we had to deploy something. I guess this is where all hell broke loose. Long story short, we really didn’t have a process in place yet but all that mattered to my manager was that we go through with the deployment. I had to liaise with a couple of people to set up our team’s process. I got it done but I was so annoyed, stressed, and almost at the brink of tears the whole time. I was so disappointed with how my manager handled it.
I thought I had controlled my emotions but seems like everything my manager does or whoever my manager talked to annoyed me. At this point, I was just annoyed at everything.
I woke up on time for work but I just lay in bed thinking of whether or not I should even bother. I ended up working from home. Work usually starts at 7. I was online but I was actually sleeping until 9. I just didn’t have it in me to go to work and do anything.
I think what happened is my Wednesday really messed me up big time. I applied what I learned during Monday’s training and decided that if I wanted to be an effective leader I had to be in a positive place. Great, I got that part down. But what the heck is actually bothering me?
- Is it because of my manager who works in an opposite way as I do? She’s very fast paced and can wing it while I like being meticulous and processed.
- Is it because I want control over everything and the moment I feel like my control over the team is gone, I go bonkers?
- Is it because I’m just lazy?
- Is it because I’m tired of my work but I can’t get myself to admit it yet?
I’m just happy it’s the weekend. I’m hoping all I need is a little rest and distraction to get me into a better mood and be actually ready and more plastic at work next week. It’s also my mom’s birthday tomorrow and I have a special gift for her, it’s called drama. I want to update my blog with all my feelings but I don’t feel like writing down my thoughts yet. I decided to put all the family stuff in a box and push it as far as I can from me until I am at a place where I can be logical and not so emotional about it. I worry that if I write what’s on my mind, by the time I’m through, I’ll be a crying mess.
So, yes, I’m a mess. I feel like I’m everywhere and so far 2020 is testing me. Can we just fast forward to the part where I realize stuff and be a better person? I can’t handle all of the overthinking.