Thoughts ’cause I was early for work

It has been quite a while when I just sat down and typed my feelings. Maybe I want to do this because I’m sick and I feel raw and my eyes feel like falling from their sockets but what the hell, right?

Anyway, January has been okay. Married life is still good but we had our biggest fight this month. I mean, I was crying a lot. I never thought I’d cry that much but I did. We got over it, like all married couples should, after talking, readjusting our perspectives and compromising a bit more. I sometimes hate how I feel like all I’ve done last year is to change and adjust for my husband – like the person I know I am isn’t here anymore. I, of course, improved the negative aspects of my attitude – but still. I can’t believe that a part of marriage goes a little something like that. I thought you’re supposed to accept the whole person wholeheartedly?

I could go on about my marriage problems (and when I mean problems, I mean adjusting problems) but I’m not going to. I’ll spare you the details and let you know that despite all the adjustments, I’m good and I’m blaming my snake self for all of it.

This month, I also started this habit of journaling. I’ve combined some aspects of morning pages and bullet journaling and so far I haven’t skipped a Saturday. I can only commit one day a week for now but once I form a habit and get a groove on things, maybe I can do it more often. Sometimes when I write my thoughts down, I feel like I’ve exhausted a lot of effort already but when I read it I know I’ve only scratched the surface. That’s how I’m unused to writing. If I type it down, I know it’s going to be longer but I’ve read that writing down is always better since it connects to your truer self.


When we write by hand, we connect to ourselves. We may get speed and distance when we type, but we get a truer connection–to ourselves and our deepest thoughts– when we actually put pen to page.

Julia Cameron

And because I’ve been journaling and connecting to my self a bit more, it honestly feels like I’ve opened Pandora’s Box, lol. I never thought I’ve had issues or worries but everything’s being uncovered and I’m worried. I honestly want to shove everything under the rug but once you’ve uncovered these things, what do you do?

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22 thoughts on “Thoughts ’cause I was early for work”

  1. Hi Kat,
    Hang in there. January is almost done! You are coming up on your 1 yr anniversary and I am sorry that you have shed so many tears. It is $hitty that you feel like you have had to spend the past year changing who you are. I am sorry that you are going through this.
    I am glad that you both got through your biggest fight.
    Disagreements are definitely part of relationships especially long term ones and I like to think that if you can work through the arguments and come out on the other side that it strengthens the relationship. Just knowing that you struggled through it and still chose each other after it all.
    I recently went through my own relationship challenges back in December. The biggest issue with us was simply the distance. 3 months was longer than we have ever been apart. I started connecting with a bunch of my friends and taking lots of zumba classes. The isolation got to my man and right before I was going to come back we got into a huge fight. I almost did not go back. I thought it was over… In fact he flew thousands of miles across the country to talk to me and I almost didn’t meet with him. I did and we chose each other again.
    I am glad that it happened this way. Just remember that you chose each other for a reason. I can definitely relate to you though. How do we maintain our own identities and growing as individuals even when we are in relationships?
    I am sending you great big hugs and hope this year continues to get lighter for you.

    ❀ Alana

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Alana!!! ❀ I'm a little 'kilig' you remembered our one year anniversary. πŸ™‚ I just hate fights. It's so emotionally draining and SOMETIMES we end up saying things we don't mean. We just say it cause we want to hurt the other. It sucks. It's all worth it in the end but do we really need to go through the hard shit to get to the good?
      I'm happy you and your partner are still good and you picked each other in the end. I'm also beyond glad that even if my husband and I have fights, we still pick each other in the end. I guess at the end of it all, we're still lucky with our partners! ❀
      I'm also super happy that someone gets me – how do we maintain our own identities even when we are in relationships? Good question. I just don't have the answer.
      Anyway, hope all is well with you! Sending you lots of love and hugs! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. Fighting with the person you love is the worst and the people we love know how to hurt us. It is definitely a work in progress. Learning how to communicate.
        I am happy that we can talk with each other like this. I remember back in 2014 when one of my friends told me that “the most important thing a woman can keep in her relationship is her independence.” This stood out to me a lot. I had never thought about it that way before, but I think there is truth to it. It is just a matter of finding time for ourselves without pulling away from our partners. I am learning that things do not have to be all or nothing all the time. Just figuring out works. And even that changes with time.
        I am doing well. The 2nd half of January was better than the first and I am adjusting to living in a new place. It felt a little bit like culture shock to go from staying in my home town surrounded by friends and family to being in a brand new place and starting over AGAIN. This is giving me a chance to focus on myself and our relationship. And maybe someday I will branch out and make friends. But I really am comfy being an introvert.
        Love and hugs! Always a joy to chat with you.

        ❀ Alana

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  2. I cannot speak for marriage, I can only speak for writing by hand. Hahaha

    Hi besh! How are you? Pasensya at ngayon lang ulit nakabisita sa iyong blag (Tagalog eh).

    Alam mo when I was 15, I started writing an active diary until 2011. Now, hindi ko na mahanap. Dami kasing ligpitin since nirenovate ang bahay pero kinakabahan ako, baka may nakakita at nakabasa.

    Buhay pa ako, so baka wala pa ngang nakakabasa. Hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HAHAHAHA!!! Ang style ko, after a year, ginagawa kong pambalot ng napkin ung journal ko. So walang ebidensya… unless gusto nila tignan yung napkin ko.

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  3. I think the first year is the toughest one, speaking from my own experience, you shed lot of silent tears, and hell lot of compromises are made πŸ™‚ but hang on dear πŸ™‚ this will get better πŸ™‚ speaking from my own experience πŸ™‚
    And its true writing journals help, specially writing them down on paper πŸ™‚ it helped me πŸ™‚ I have recently started writing morning pages too πŸ™‚ I feel lot more connected with my inner self πŸ™‚ take care πŸ™‚ things will improve ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG THANK YOU. I honestly feel guilty because I said I hate all the adjustments but hearing other married couples say that it’s ‘normal’ is such a relief. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad dear πŸ™‚ my experience could be of some help to you πŸ™‚ The fears are part of growing up in a relationship πŸ™‚

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  4. Yay! You made it through a milestone! My husband and I have been living together for nearly 10 years now and I still remember that first big fight. It wasn’t sustainable how I was ‘adjusting’ w/o my husband even being aware. I’m grateful for that fight and remember it fondly.

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  5. Ive had the worst fights with husband i was so close to getting divorced:(

    Recently we decided whenever one of of is upset or mad about something, we cool down and once we are ready we sit down and talk alone in the garage.

    Its helped. Its a process!
    Ive been married sonce 2015 so it really shows that you both have to be willing to make adjustments. I just wish u felt less like u needed to change who you really are… at least thats what i understood from this post.

    Im glad ur journaling too. It helps so much to write everything out! πŸ’Œ

    – KikiΒ 
    Take Note | soyvirgo.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kiki! Thanks for dropping by and sharing your story. As much as I feel like I’ve changed a lot, I feel thankful too, because I know that the things I’ve changed are my ‘bad’ attitudes. It just feels weird and honestly confusing when you feel like you’ve changed a lot and those are your not-so-positive attitudes. It makes me wonder, am I a bad person? Anyway, I still feel weird that I’ve changed a lot, lol.

      My husband actually prefers that too. My problem is he likes to cool down for a long time – like days long. And I’m not OK with that. 😦 How long do you guys cool down?

      We still have a lot to learn and I do agree that it’s a process. πŸ™‚ I hope things get easier. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I read a book that said sometimes when the guy is cooling down, he might take long to come out of his “cave” and its normal. Men were sometimes raised to not show emotion or whatever, right? So I get it if they need a little alone time.

        Since your man takes days to cool down, I read that you just need to let him and in the meantime work on yourself and your mood! Show that you’re happy!

        It made sense to me because, if they’re cooling down then they’re obviously trying to get back to a better place. Maybe it’s hard for some men to get into a better place when they see we, the wife/girlfriend, are unhappy. For me, it seems that way.

        If my husband sees me sad when he’s still trying to cool off, he will only beat himself up more and think “I can’t bring happiness to her” or whatever.
        So if you don’t like how he takes days to cool off, just try to think of that. He needs to see you happy or else it will be harder for him to see that the relationship is going ok. Something like that! I hope I explained it well!

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  6. This is the first entry that I read on your blog. I felt what your feeling through your writing and it’s nice. I’m praying for your marriage and I know that both of you will get through it as long as you both communicate and compromise for each other. Together, you can survive the storms that will come to your lives. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My therapist told me to start a gratitude journal and it really helps. Each night I write down 2 things that I’m grateful for and then I journal about my day. I’ve journaled since I was young but could never keep up with it. Now I look forward to it every night. I hope you stick with it and it brings you peace!

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