I should be writing my “Let’s Have Coffee” post but instead here I am just wanting to type something without thinking for the first time in a while. So, here goes nothing.
Life is pretty good lately. Honestly, I don’t have complaints. I like my work, I love my husband and married life, and I like the responsibility of adulthood. Sure it’s tiring and oh-my-goodness does it never end but I feel at peace lately. I am honestly feeling a shift in my life and I’m scared most of the time. I feel like my priorities are changing and I’m not sure if I want them to change just yet. I mean, maybe I want them to change, but being the perfectionist that I am I don’t know if letting go of control (at such a pivotal moment of my life) is actually a good idea.
I hope I’m making sense.
It’s the also -ber months already which means Christmas is right around the corner. I hate this season because it reminds me of my dad. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and so I’m reminding myself to be excited of this season for him. Maybe I can be sad in the dark? I don’t want to be sad in the dark though. I want to be legitimately happy but I feel like if I do that, I’m leaving my dad behind. (Although in truth, I feel like I already did which makes me even sadder because here are all the exciting moments of my new life and he isn’t even a part of it.)
I also want a baby but without the responsibility. I want to have a baby and have a career. But I also want to be with my child every step of the way. I want to have one now but I’m so torn and scared of the future. I’ve been trying to have sidelines/small businesses, lol, but I’ve been failing at it. I want to be able to help my partner financially while being a future stay at home mom. Oh, wait, I’m not yet pregnant but I’m already worried about that (see my control issues?).
I’ve been telling myself to let go lately. God has a plan, God will provide. But how do I trust Him when I know sometimes He won’t always give me what I want (and what I want is lots of money because it makes the world go round and this want makes me feel so ashamed because I already have enough but I still want more)?
I have a million life-changing questions and decisions to make which explains the lack of blog posts lately. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I feel like I have to succeed in this next phase of my life but, as usual, life didn’t come with a handbook and I’m left here just reminding myself to trust the process even if I don’t know if I believe that myself.
So, tell me, how are you lately?