I don’t whine a lot. I’ve learned that whining doesn’t really get you anywhere. If you want something done, put your head down and do it. That’s what I believe in but today, no just for tonight, let me whine.
Without revealing too much from my personal life and omitting a lot of other details, let me tell you my story. My father died last year and things changed. I don’t know if it’s like this all the time, but losing him has caused our family a lot of instability. The problems we’ve learned to shove under the shelves are suddenly showing itself. There’s just a lot of changes and it’s causing me a lot of stress.
Why is it causing me a lot of stress and not my other family members? Because I worry. Because I feel like I’m the only one who cares. Because I feel like I’m the only one thinking about the future. Because I am responsible.
When my father was nearing his death, I told him I couldn’t do this without him. He said I can do it.
Whenever I feel sad, I remind myself of what he said and somehow it gives me strength. It’s not working today, so I’ll let myself whine.
I am just so tired of seeing my mom so weak. Sure, she lost her life partner but crying everytime she sees a complete family isn’t going to bring him back. I am also so tired of her acting sick. Just last week, I rushed her to the emergency room because she wasn’t feeling her best (a muscle strain and dizziness). To my surprise, she hasn’t even taken any medicine to alleviate her pain. She decided to let the pain engulf her and whine about it.
I am so tired of adjusting for her too. I am sick of seeing my uncle (who temporarily lives with us as per her request) drinking alcohol frequently (we have kids in the house, it’s not a good example), acting like a fucking know it all (constantly tells my mom things like she has hypertension when the doctor said there was nothing with her), and getting lectures from him when he’s not the best example in the world.
Before I took my mom to the hospital, I asked her if she took any sort of medicine, she told me she hasn’t. I got very disappointed with my uncle who made it seem like we didn’t care for her but didn’t even buy my mom a fucking pain reliever. Why am I getting a fucking lecture about her condition when he hasn’t even done anything to help her? He is the one who is here 24/7. I have a fucking job, I can’t be on top of everything.
I am also so tired of my sister. My sister who has kids but acts like a single woman. My sister who works (according to her) six days a week. My sister who has gotten away with a lot of her responsibilities up to now. My sister who depends a lot on my mom but barely acknowledges it. I am very much tired of her acting so proud but in fact, has nothing to show for. I am so tired of her and how much I have to worry about her and her kids. I need her to grow up, fast. I need to be reassured that she and the kids will be fine even if we’re not here. I need to know the kids will have a good future despite everything.
I am just tired of being responsible. I had to put everything on hold and put my family first. They depend on me. I may not have every responsibility on my shoulder but I do have a lot more and it’s just so unfair for me to see my brother having fun in England, my sister getting a lot of free passes and my mom being so weak when I need her to be strong for me.
I am just tired of life.
I am tired of the life my dad left me with when he died.
Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I will have to face another set of challenges and responsibilities. Tomorrow I will have to take note of all these frustrations and find ways to solve it.
I just hope tomorrow will come sooner because this sadness and frustration in my heart right now is ugly and I don’t like it.