It’s my first time in a few weeks to sit down and type on my computer without any distractions.
Life has been stressful lately. My dad is very sick and this past month we had to rush him to the hospital quite a number of times. The past two weeks was really hard for me. I’ve been okay because I’m compartmentalizing. But this morning, I want to feel my emotions. I’m afraid I’m going numb.
Work: This past pay period had 11 working days, I’ve been to work for only 7 days. It’s not that bad but considering I’m in a new team I want to put my best foot forward. It’s hard to do that especially when you’re not there. I don’t really mind putting this in the backseat for a while. Just as long as I’m getting my salary, all is fair.
Relationship: I haven’t been on a date in a while. With my weekends dedicated solely for my dad, I haven’t spent time with my boyfriend. We were able to have lunch last Monday but it was too quick. I love how he understands my situation and he gives me space but he’s my confidante. I really need him so I can get some things off my chest. In the meantime, we just message each other. Sometimes it gets stressful. He has really poor signal where he lives and my iMessages aren’t always received. It’s so annoying. I know I can easily send him text messages but my phone plan isn’t that flexible. I’m just going through things and I need a hug. A long and tight one.
Health: The reason why I’m able to do this today is because I’m sick. I got rained on the other night and it was pretty bad, hello colds. I’m hoping I’ll get over it quickly because time spent at home is time spent away from my dad. I also haven’t gotten a visit from my monthly friend in a few months and it’s scaring me. I have to get checked up. I know I don’t get it regularly but it’s been too long and I’m getting worried. (ps. I’m not pregnant.)
Blog: I have tons of scheduled post so this blog won’t be lifeless but I’m never here. I try to drop by once in a while but my heart isn’t where it should be. I see you new followers, people who like my scheduled posts and internet friends who comment! I see you. Thank you.
Life, in general: I’m scared out of my wits with the possibilities that can happen to my dad. I’m afraid of losing him. I’m afraid to wake up one morning without him being there. I’m afraid to live a life without him. He’s not the best dad ever, but he’s my dad. He’s always been there for me and my family. Every time I visit the hospital and I see him frail and weak, I feel sad. That’s not my dad. My dad is loud and rude. He’s not the kind to just keep quiet.
I’m mentally preparing myself for the possibility of losing him. I know, however, that try as I might I can never be prepared for such. My strategy now is to spend time with him as much as I can. I tell him that I love him. I thank him for everything – for all his sacrifices, the blessings and fortunes I have, and for just being there. I am wishing for a miracle.
If you get to this point and you have people you value, I request of you to thank them and show them your appreciation and love. Life is too fast.
ps. Thank you kind stranger for letting me tell you a little bit about my personal life. I’m not that vocal or open when in person and I’m better off sharing my thoughts with a random internet person. Thank you and God bless!